Where in the hell do you think you are?

In the last few years, I've had the fortunate chance to experience a different side of life. I consider myself exceptionally lucky, and haven't ever taken a moment of each experience for granted. Living "hand to mouth" as 99% of us all do hasn't left my mind, and while the experiences I've been granted have been grander, more glamorous, even extravagant in some cases, remembering where it was you were not too long ago doesn't go away. In saying that, I truly believe you appreciate everything you do have just a little bit more than you would have otherwise. And in continuation of that, you are just a tiny bit more protective of it as well.

I'll explain, settle down.

My partner and I enjoy living our lives together. In that enjoyment, we are both appreciators of good/great foods. We have specific restaurants we try to visit regularly in some cases monthly, in others, weekly. Whether it's a $32.00 dinner or a $145.00 one, there are specific expectations that should go in accordance to *anyone* who wants to peel off the hard earned cash for an evening out. I do not visit Chuck E. Cheese, I steer clear of restaurants that specifically cater to children or advertise themselves as a "family" atmosphere unless I have children with me. Personally, the lack of disciplinary duties (see prior rant) that a good portion of parents these days employ cause me to not only loose my patience, but my appetite as well. Of course, there are those nights that we wander into Sweet Tomatoes (for those who aren't familiar, it's a vegetarian-esk restaurant that specializes in salads and soups) and find that it's populated by families and kids. We don't leave. Why? Because we expect that in a restaurant that is buffet-style, that advertises as a "yummy" version for the wanna-be vegetarians. It's cost per plate is about $9.00 which I'm sure also rings nicely when you're looking to feed a family of four.

There are general expectations, let's cover those first:

1: When you go to a restaurant, you should understand how much it will cost for you to eat there. Do not hold up a line (if it's a buffet), or cause a proverbial traffic jam at the register (at a Denny's, etc.) to argue a charge on your bill. You know what you ordered. You should know how much it cost. And if the ticket is wrong, take a moment (half a minute?) to look it over and contact your waitress for explanation. Don't make the rest of us watch as you debate the fifty nine cent difference you weren't expecting on little Johnny's egg platter.

2: Do not bring your children if they cannot sit still for the length of time it takes for you to eat. If you're a fast eater, or if your children are self-aware and have something quiet to occupy themselves with, no problem. If you want to sit with someone else and debate the national deficit issue for two hours, the four year old next to you will decide to entertain himself/herself by annoying the rest of us.

3: It is unacceptable to burp, pass gas, use loud curse words, or throw-down with anyone at your table. No matter how much you may "not care" try to remember that the rest of us don't really care about you, either.

These shouldn't be that tough to abide by, right? I'm betting that of those three you can name at least one you've had the unfortunate duty to witness at a restaurant recently.

It doesn't require etiquette lessons to visit a fine restaurant, but common sense is a must. Having a touch of self respect also helps. There are places in this world that provide a service, as well as a delicious meal, to it's clientele. That service is called "class." Let's investigate this a little, I'll use my traditional approach; an example.

We were at a rather expensive steak house recently, the restaurant was advertised as a five-star venue, it's menu (complete with prices) is visible *before* you enter the restaurant, and it's renowned for it's dark, elegant, dining atmosphere. We decided to give it a try, both of us dressed as expected for such a dinner (meaning, we did not wear jeans and a tee-shirt, neither of us donned tennis shoes, etc.) and as anyone would expect, imagined that the experience would be fantastic, romantic, and elegant. When we walked in, we noticed the posted sign on the maitre d's stand that read: "Gentlemen: No hats or caps should be worn inside the restaurant, and shirts must have sleeves." My first thought was how redundant such a statement was, I mean this was a very expensive restaurant in a very elegant setting, who in the world would need to be reminded of something so simple as "take off the goddamned Yankee's cap you jerkoff"? Apparently they needed a larger sign.

We noticed first that the bartender who was several yards away from us (approximately 150 feet) was in a very loud, very obnoxious conversation with a man at the bar about the Olympics. His voice boomed, the patron's ruckus laughter was equally loud, and it continued for the length of our dinner. The second thing was that about 40% of the other diners (i.e., this was a reservations preferred listing, keep that in mind) were in not only casual attire, but sweatshirt jackets, sagging jeans, flannel shirts, and the most interesting of all, ball caps. The server was professional, took our orders, and showed an aire of decree that made me wonder if she was simply blind or just attempting to ignore the others. As our dinner concluded (the meal was exceptionally wonderful), we noticed that a family of five had arrived to sit behind us at a table. They had two younger-than-six year olds with them. Both were loud (as children at that age would be), and I silently wondered how a petite Filet Mignon oscar style would appeal to a child at that age because this was *not* (repeat: NOT) a child's-menu restaurant.

So with that said, let's go over the basics of being in a more exclusive restaurant:

1: Do not wear anything that can be seen through any fast food restaurant window. Period.

2: Do not ask for a 9-way check split. This isn't TGI friday's.

3: The wine list is not a "tiny menu" that you can play "duelling menu's" with at the table. Try being older than your shoe size.

4: No one wants to hear about your recent conquest with your girlfriend. Shut the hell up.

5: This is an expensive & elegant restaurant, picking your teeth, leaning back and balancing on the back legs of your chair, rubbing your hair with your palm and burping/belching/popping your neck or other body parts, slapping the table at anything, and most assuredly telling the server that you "don't need a glass" because your beer "comes in it's own", belong elsewhere. When you want to act like you belong in Alabama, try heading to the food court at your nearest Wal-Mart.

In addition to these fundamental rules of behavior in a "more than $5.99 special" restaurant, let's be sure to incorporate that at no time, under no circumstances, do you bring your kids. If you cannot eat without them, then eat somewhere they can as well. Do not subject the diners who are willing to pay for the atmosphere as well as the menu to your lack of forethought, also do not assume that your "perfect little boy" will act like a 40 year old man simply because of where you are.

As I said earlier, I've been blessed with being able to experience a more refined side of restaurant dining in the last few years. I wish that I'd had the opportunity to do so earlier on, but I'm thankful that I at least have had the chance to understand and have the common sense that says I appreciate this...what I do not appreciate is having it ruined by someone who cannot comprehend why they don't have high chairs when the restaurant serves escargot.