And open letter to those obsessed with skinny.

Dear World's View of Beautiful:

I have a few things to say. Some you may agree with, but a lot I know you won't get or understand. I'm all for the right to speak your mind..but listen, but a "No Fat Chicks" window decal the size of a basketball on your truck is a step too far. I've yet to see a "No Assholes With Complexes" sticker on anyone else's. I'm sick to death of the term "pretty" being categorized as "small" or "physically fit" and that it cannot exist outside of those superficial, subjective, and demanding aspects. I'm sick of the commentary of how "pretty" someone is based on how tight the jeans fit, or how flat the stomach is. I'm sick of a lot of things, Society. And today's your lucky day, because you're about to hear about them all.

Let's start with the subjective term of pretty. You ask a girl what is pretty and she'll give you a answer that typically sounds like the most non-descriptive, vague line of bullshit you've ever heard. Why? Because we are conditioned to think that what OTHER people think "pretty" is is what really matters, NOT what we think it is. We are conditioned to believe that beauty is changing yourself in ways that we call "bettering", and that it's limited to how dedicated you are, or how persistent in a lot of cases, to being what is accepted and admired by everyone else. You'll find a lot of women who'll say that they don't care what other people think about what they look like; that they love themselves and that's all that matters. But let's get real, ladies...we want other people to love us too. And in most cases, we find little things that "please" them and go with it. Maybe your boyfriend likes your hair long, so you keep it longer. Tell yourself you like it too. It's all a blurry line when it comes to acceptance, of yourself and of others. The limitations are so very easily crossed that we never really stop to wonder..why aren't I able to be comfortable and do as I please without fear of myself or others?

Women are not alone in the inability to truly define the word "pretty", because most guys have no clear picture on it either. They view the status quo as whatever is pretty this month. Maybe it's blondes with fake boobs, maybe it's thin girls with no boobs. But what I will say is that men, UNLIKE women, don't let themselves be cultivated for harvesting of their self-esteem. They aren't in need of other men's acceptance. They rarely even think about what other men might think of them (unless they are gay and that's the genre they are looking for acceptance from), and you might wonder why that is. I know I did. The truth is simple, they accept themselves as whatever they want to be. Want to look like a pro wrestler? Then that's what they aim for. Want to look like Drew Carey in his early years? No problem, they'll work towards it. But us ladies, we are ever-changing ourselves for acceptance. We can't pick one field and stick in it, we move with the seasons, if not the months themselves.

But I digress, because it's not necessarily about who or what you want to be and how you go about getting to it, it's about WHY you want to be that person, and that is genderless. Men, women, children, we all strive for wanting someone else to want us. Remarkably, we will do damn near anything to get that notice, women will diet until they fall apart emotionally, mentally, or in many cases physically. Men will posture and kill themselves to provide what they think women want of them. Here's the problem with all that nonsense, absolutely NO ONE is really honest anymore.

Back to my friend with the "No Fat Chicks" sticker..what's your issue? Are you short and feel like you're already at the end of the "handsome" in this case pile because women view you as some little boy? Or are you the stereotypical buffed out masculine marble-cut man that attracts women who are desperate to be noticed by other women, and in some cases, by other men? Or are you just the average joe, who isn't seen unless he makes a huge statement (like the window decal) because you're forgettable, and invisible to the rest of the world. Truly, whatever your issues are the fact is clear, if you feel the need to bash someones "pretty" nature be them skinny girls or big girls, you have a deep issue within yourself to work out. And while the gorgeous size nine blonde is in your lap, you think about what she'll think of you once YOUR clothes are off. Maybe you'll be less interested in attacking someone who could actually relate to your obvious imperfections.

Admittedly, we are all guilty in some way of "liking" someone else because of a superficial reason. Just as easily said, we are guilty of obtaining praise through attempts to be noticed when we lose weight, change our hair color, dress in a specific way, etc. It's human nature to want to be noticed and admired. It's in our genes for the rest of the world to be interested in us, and even more so now as a great majority have set themselves aside and we slide into our own micro-worlds where no one else exists. Personally speaking, I think we do this because we are afraid of the rejection that so many still have locked and loaded, ready to shoot our way. I know I am.

In other rants I've called to women (and men) to stand up for themselves and break the mold that is "common", to not disregard each other based on dress size or pant size, that big girls are pretty too. But this isn't a statement that needs support; we all know it's true whether we admit to it outwardly or not. This is a rant about acceptance. About learning to see those people with window clings, and diverted eyes in grocery stores or restaurants, and making it clear to ourselves if only internally, that we are truly not responsible for the acceptance of someone who cannot accept the rest of the world. We are not responsible for being held to someone else's pretty standards, because in all actuality they too have no idea what it really means.

..and as a closing thought I offer you this people who don't like bigger girls, when you get exhausted from wishing someone would accept and love you for who you are and what you are, be it heavy or thin, and when you are tired of being on display for someone else, or constantly wondering if they are on display elsewhere instead..remember that truly seeing someone means you understand them, and no one..NO ONE understands rejection and hurt more than the bigger girls.

What are you looking at?

We're all guilty of it.
We've all watched other people do it.
Not many of us have actually realized we're doing it.

Judgement. Perhaps the hardest word in the human language to say without shame. It's the nature of us however, to look at a situation and decide on it's facts (and sometimes without them) the conclusion of it; be it negative or positive. The old saying of "quick to cast judgement" is growing truer by the day as we as a society go from the general "nudgings" of our peers and friends, amplified by the need to fit in and be accepted ourselves, to basing and entire opinion of someone or something on a flash of a moment. We don't need the encouragement of our fellow man or woman..we make the decision, the judgement, based on our impressions and ours alone.

Like I said, we've all been guilty of doing it more than once. You're standing in a store and someone is standing behind you. Maybe they are dressed in a way that would make you fearful or at the least, leery of what they would need to be so close to you before. Do you move forward a little, hope that the step away was a clear statement of "back off you asshole" or do you turn around and face the stranger with a comment about your personal space? Maybe you say nothing. In your mind you wonder to what the intentions might be, but you stay still..you wait. And..you judge. The stranger could do nothing more than put his bag of dog food on the conveyor belt of the grocery store lane, but as you walk out with your half gallon of milk and box of corn flakes you glance over your shoulder at him. In your eyes is all the words that need to be said; I don't trust you. We never take into consideration how impactful that gaze is. We don't truly care, as soon as we are in the safety of our cars, our friends, even our homes, we don't give it another passing thought.

My brother has a lot of tattoos. It's not uncommon, hell it's probably MORE uncommon not to have them these days. However, he can walk into any store or restaurant at any time and the looks are immediate. They say "is he a convict" or "is he safe", some say "I'm afraid", and others say "what should I do"..but the majority just stare. As if the gaze they are casting isn't clear enough to him, and should he be so bold as the smile or nod, the eyes are shifted away and a sense of unease can be felt by anyone. It's not necessarily shame in the eyes of those people, it's embarrassment that they were caught. Caught in the middle of judging him.

He's a smart man, with a GPA in college that would shock all of them into silence, but he's never given the chance to show his intelligence, nor his compassion which is deep and unfailingly chivalrous in nature. No one takes a moment to notice the way he opens the door for the older woman who was behind him before he walked in. No one saw that he smiled at the man in the wheel chair who glanced up as he passed. Of course not..they were busy.

So we've become the people who can tell everything about a person in a half-minute sum up. We can see the goodness or the evil in everything they do. They are no more complex than a flower we pick up and think is pretty because of it's colors; never mind it being poisonous. It's become the faults of those judged now, that they being able to express themselves with tattooing, different colored hair, even a different accent, they should change; not us. They should wear black if they don't want to be looked at as "goth" or "devil worshippers"..they should tattoo themselves if they don't want to be criminals, they shouldn't be here because they are black or latino if they don't want to be stared at. How compassionate of US. The thin line gets so narrow it becomes discrimination, yet we walk it often..and carelessly.

So where's the flip-side of this coin, Oceanna? What about us who were too kind to the "wrong" person, or too dismissive of that stranger in line behind us and were robbed, beaten, raped, or threatened for our naivety? I say it's not caution I advise against; we are not a world of kindness and love as many would hope. We are a rough and tumble group, with a heavy mix of dangerous fellas and girls who would rather hurt many of us than look at us. Being careful was never the problem, my friends. Where's the line then..where's the line between being judgemental and being cautious? Wouldn't we be judging someone even if we are cautious? Who's to say that my version of careful isn't sizing up the man behind me in line to make sure he doesn't follow me to my car and do terrible things to me? It's as thin as the discrimination line is, the boundary between the two. And it's not as distinguishable either, so don't think you'll always be on it and not sliding into the judgement side of the equation. But the first step is attempt..it's being watchful without being cruel, there is no need to stare for a period of time at someone. There is also the point of literally giving the option for goodness in them; sure they might not be, but what if they are? Are you willing to accept that because they don't look like you do that they might be and even better person than you are? If you can't say you know them, what makes you think they are all that you fear?

This is NOT an easy question to understand. It'll never be as long as we live in a place that acts as it's own reflection; what I am is what you should be. When we become a people that look at each other with interest and at the very least acceptance, we'll understand what it means to be non-judgemental. In the meantime, don't let your eye fool you. Not everything is so easily accessed..how would you feel if someone thought the worst of you?


"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people."
--Martin Luther King Jr.

The Friendship Highway

Who hasn't heard the saying, "Friendship is a two way street" at least a hundred times? But equally, who has experienced that it's not always a well paved street, without huge pot-holes, broken street signs, and the occasional down power line? The implication that you give as well as you receive is ideal, but sadly, rarely true.

Let's take a walk down this two way street and see what it really consists of. First, there's the initial on-ramp to what we'll call the Friendship Highway. It's the point in which you meet someone you have something in common with, discovered through a general conversation or introduction by another friend. It's a precarious beginning, neither party are entirely sure where the other has been, and just like getting onto a freeway, you're hyper-aware of what's around you as you merge. So now that you're on the road, what happens next? It's time to accelerate. You start by hanging out or having longer conversations with the other person, potentially finding more in common, sharing a little personal insight of your life, and moving forward to getting to understand the basics of the other person. It's a careful step, but far less dangerous than the merge, because now you're on the road and it's up to you if you want to stomp on the gas or coast for a little bit. There of course off ramps on Friendship Highway, the More-Than-A-Friend exit is often first. The thought of a romantic relationship and a detour off the Highway and onto another completely different Interstate. It's hard to find Friendship Highway after you take this exit; sometimes impossible. Other exits like Argument Avenue, Hurt Feelings Circle, or the Lonely Loop are sometimes visited as well, but unlike the Interstate, finding your way back is easy. It's as simple as a U-Turn at Apology Court.

The problem with the Highway is that often it becomes a one-way road. A road that appears out of nowhere in some cases or eases off the Highway and into said-road with plenty of notice. It's the choice then to either pull over and stop driving, or continue down the road to see if we ever find the Highway again. It's not often you do. In fact, it's probably easier to find the way back from the Interstate of Love than it is to reconnect to the two-way Highway.

Metaphors aside, what do we expect in a friendship, what do we prize higher than anything else? Is it loyalty? Truth? Bluntness? Appreciation? Is it all the above? One of the more common things would be patience, because we as a people have very little of it for people we don't know, and even less for people we do. We expect a lot of our friends sometimes, to know or understand us without question, even to bail us out of a bad decision or bad situation. Is it too much to ask, that someone you've known know you in return? I myself have found many instances when it apparently has been. Who hasn't had a friend who's let them down by not being there for them when it truly counted? Disappointment is a requirement of friendship, but disappearance of foundation isn't. Counting on people takes vulnerability, and just as you might count on your friend you should expect the same in return.

What's brought this on, you might say. This isn't a normal "rant" by your rant-standards, Oceanna! What the hell is going on with you? It's been recently that I've seen both sides of the coin of friendship. Since the beginning of this year I've had the pleasure (as well as frustration) to have a front row seat in both the creation of a new friendship, the dissolution of a "trusted" one, as well as the growth of many of my others. "Knowing who your friends are" is a far easier said than done, but with that knowledge you must allow yourself to see what you're searching out for friends. In our subconscious we make decisions that we never know about, we often connect with people who stimulate a feeling or need in ourselves all the while wondering why we attract this kind of folks. There's a few types, the basics:

--The Fixer: This is someone who loves to "fix" people, make the world a better place, and who more often than not likes to eat shit sandwiches that are handed to them by the Users (see below).

--The Lazy Ass: This is someone who befriends quickly with little to no requirements on the friendship. They equally require little to nothing in return. Sometimes called the "easy going friend" this can sometimes result in a lot of silent misunderstandings because they are incapable of communication that requires effort.

--The User: One of the worst sorts, this person will take you for everything and anything you'll give (sometimes even unwillingly in worst scenarios) and can drain you dry emotionally faster than a dog bowl at dinner time. They especially have a taste for the Fixer, as they are often easy targets.

--The Sunshiner: This is the friend who is perpetually trying to provide you with up-beat thoughts and impressions. Know that the Sunshiner is usually terribly sad when alone, and the cover-up as elaborate as it is, is not hard to see through. It might appear at first like this person is the nicest soul alive, but when you need to commiserate with a situation that is not fixable nor positive, the Sunshiner will make you wish you had a bat and could use their head for practice. The Sunshiner and the Fixer are often spotted together.

--The Fighter: This is the friend who wants you at their side to attack the next victim/problem they deem necessary. The Fighter is complicated, because sometimes it's a relief to see them take over and almost become the Fixer in a way (a very angry way, but still..) but it's just as bad as the Sunshiner..dare you have anything that doesn't require bloodletting in anyway, the Fighter will stare you down like the next opponent.

Make no mistake having just ONE of the above is what you should watch out for..most people are a little of one or two combined. But it's those who are so completely settled in one particular type that lead to problems later. We sometimes choose fruit, clothes, even what gas station we use to fill our cars up, with more care than who we pull close to us in our lives, who we trust, and who we lean on when we need someone.

The Highway is a long one, but it's important to make sure you're not on the one-way road..sometimes they can look eerily similar.

Where in the hell do you think you are?

In the last few years, I've had the fortunate chance to experience a different side of life. I consider myself exceptionally lucky, and haven't ever taken a moment of each experience for granted. Living "hand to mouth" as 99% of us all do hasn't left my mind, and while the experiences I've been granted have been grander, more glamorous, even extravagant in some cases, remembering where it was you were not too long ago doesn't go away. In saying that, I truly believe you appreciate everything you do have just a little bit more than you would have otherwise. And in continuation of that, you are just a tiny bit more protective of it as well.

I'll explain, settle down.

My partner and I enjoy living our lives together. In that enjoyment, we are both appreciators of good/great foods. We have specific restaurants we try to visit regularly in some cases monthly, in others, weekly. Whether it's a $32.00 dinner or a $145.00 one, there are specific expectations that should go in accordance to *anyone* who wants to peel off the hard earned cash for an evening out. I do not visit Chuck E. Cheese, I steer clear of restaurants that specifically cater to children or advertise themselves as a "family" atmosphere unless I have children with me. Personally, the lack of disciplinary duties (see prior rant) that a good portion of parents these days employ cause me to not only loose my patience, but my appetite as well. Of course, there are those nights that we wander into Sweet Tomatoes (for those who aren't familiar, it's a vegetarian-esk restaurant that specializes in salads and soups) and find that it's populated by families and kids. We don't leave. Why? Because we expect that in a restaurant that is buffet-style, that advertises as a "yummy" version for the wanna-be vegetarians. It's cost per plate is about $9.00 which I'm sure also rings nicely when you're looking to feed a family of four.

There are general expectations, let's cover those first:

1: When you go to a restaurant, you should understand how much it will cost for you to eat there. Do not hold up a line (if it's a buffet), or cause a proverbial traffic jam at the register (at a Denny's, etc.) to argue a charge on your bill. You know what you ordered. You should know how much it cost. And if the ticket is wrong, take a moment (half a minute?) to look it over and contact your waitress for explanation. Don't make the rest of us watch as you debate the fifty nine cent difference you weren't expecting on little Johnny's egg platter.

2: Do not bring your children if they cannot sit still for the length of time it takes for you to eat. If you're a fast eater, or if your children are self-aware and have something quiet to occupy themselves with, no problem. If you want to sit with someone else and debate the national deficit issue for two hours, the four year old next to you will decide to entertain himself/herself by annoying the rest of us.

3: It is unacceptable to burp, pass gas, use loud curse words, or throw-down with anyone at your table. No matter how much you may "not care" try to remember that the rest of us don't really care about you, either.

These shouldn't be that tough to abide by, right? I'm betting that of those three you can name at least one you've had the unfortunate duty to witness at a restaurant recently.

It doesn't require etiquette lessons to visit a fine restaurant, but common sense is a must. Having a touch of self respect also helps. There are places in this world that provide a service, as well as a delicious meal, to it's clientele. That service is called "class." Let's investigate this a little, I'll use my traditional approach; an example.

We were at a rather expensive steak house recently, the restaurant was advertised as a five-star venue, it's menu (complete with prices) is visible *before* you enter the restaurant, and it's renowned for it's dark, elegant, dining atmosphere. We decided to give it a try, both of us dressed as expected for such a dinner (meaning, we did not wear jeans and a tee-shirt, neither of us donned tennis shoes, etc.) and as anyone would expect, imagined that the experience would be fantastic, romantic, and elegant. When we walked in, we noticed the posted sign on the maitre d's stand that read: "Gentlemen: No hats or caps should be worn inside the restaurant, and shirts must have sleeves." My first thought was how redundant such a statement was, I mean this was a very expensive restaurant in a very elegant setting, who in the world would need to be reminded of something so simple as "take off the goddamned Yankee's cap you jerkoff"? Apparently they needed a larger sign.

We noticed first that the bartender who was several yards away from us (approximately 150 feet) was in a very loud, very obnoxious conversation with a man at the bar about the Olympics. His voice boomed, the patron's ruckus laughter was equally loud, and it continued for the length of our dinner. The second thing was that about 40% of the other diners (i.e., this was a reservations preferred listing, keep that in mind) were in not only casual attire, but sweatshirt jackets, sagging jeans, flannel shirts, and the most interesting of all, ball caps. The server was professional, took our orders, and showed an aire of decree that made me wonder if she was simply blind or just attempting to ignore the others. As our dinner concluded (the meal was exceptionally wonderful), we noticed that a family of five had arrived to sit behind us at a table. They had two younger-than-six year olds with them. Both were loud (as children at that age would be), and I silently wondered how a petite Filet Mignon oscar style would appeal to a child at that age because this was *not* (repeat: NOT) a child's-menu restaurant.

So with that said, let's go over the basics of being in a more exclusive restaurant:

1: Do not wear anything that can be seen through any fast food restaurant window. Period.

2: Do not ask for a 9-way check split. This isn't TGI friday's.

3: The wine list is not a "tiny menu" that you can play "duelling menu's" with at the table. Try being older than your shoe size.

4: No one wants to hear about your recent conquest with your girlfriend. Shut the hell up.

5: This is an expensive & elegant restaurant, picking your teeth, leaning back and balancing on the back legs of your chair, rubbing your hair with your palm and burping/belching/popping your neck or other body parts, slapping the table at anything, and most assuredly telling the server that you "don't need a glass" because your beer "comes in it's own", belong elsewhere. When you want to act like you belong in Alabama, try heading to the food court at your nearest Wal-Mart.

In addition to these fundamental rules of behavior in a "more than $5.99 special" restaurant, let's be sure to incorporate that at no time, under no circumstances, do you bring your kids. If you cannot eat without them, then eat somewhere they can as well. Do not subject the diners who are willing to pay for the atmosphere as well as the menu to your lack of forethought, also do not assume that your "perfect little boy" will act like a 40 year old man simply because of where you are.

As I said earlier, I've been blessed with being able to experience a more refined side of restaurant dining in the last few years. I wish that I'd had the opportunity to do so earlier on, but I'm thankful that I at least have had the chance to understand and have the common sense that says I appreciate this...what I do not appreciate is having it ruined by someone who cannot comprehend why they don't have high chairs when the restaurant serves escargot.

English As A First Language

For about a month I've been debating on writing this rant, which for anyone who follows my tyraids will tell you, is extremely rare. I pride myself on writing what others are afraid to say, so that alone you can privately nod your head in agreement and feel less alone about the atrocities that seem to be considered too poor a conversation topic to address. It's difficult for me to think in terms of "political" or social correctness, my behavior might be deplorable by verbal standards to some but you can be assured that there are more people that are silent supporters than there are critics and ney-sayers.

With that said, I came to the conclusion that to hold true to the ideal of speaking what is unspeakable, I'd write it out. I'm not going to apologize, I thought about it, but in the end what would I be apologizing for? For acknowledging what we are all feeling? For having the fearlessness to say it without feeling guilty afterwards? Let's get on with it.

How many of us have had the undeniable pleasure of being serviced in a restaurant, a bank, a shopping center, over the phone or in person, by someone who cannot speak English? It's not about those that *can* and *do* speak the common tongue, it's about the many that just flat out refuse to. I've heard so many arguments about this that I could quote them back to you, the most popular being "this is America! Speak American!" which let's just call it what it is, a ridiculously uneducated statement. We don't speak proper English anymore, the lazy tongue that we all have, but we also can't commit to calling our slang "American" either. The issue isn't the title of language, but the lack of understanding and lending yourself to the environment you live within.

Let me begin my stating that aside from going to Mexico, I've never been outside the "country" as in to Europe or the Asia Continents. But I can assure you that should I ever find myself such a grand opportunity that I would not simply "assume" that I could walk up to a kiosk or a waiter and say "Can I please have a table for two", or "How much is this please?" and have them understand me. I could hope, but in truth other countries are far less appealed to lending themselves to our comfort levels. It's a fact that in some instances countries where you do not speak the native tongue will single you out and treat you differently for it. Do we do that here to foreign travelers or those who have chosen to live here? I'm sure we do.

But the difference, small as it might be, is the catering that we do to other cultures "inability" or lack of desire to speak *our* native tongue. I'm not a big patriot, I don't wear a flag on my jacket, wave one in my yard, or join in with such bullshit as this current war we have stuck ourselves in. But I am a believer that we as a country should have some requirement, some basic regulations, that insist that English be the primary language required in all service related jobs. I shouldn't have to press "1" for English, I shouldn't be subjected to send my child to school where two translators stand in the back of the room and speak Mandarin or Spanish to the students who cannot understand.

I realize how this could come across as a racial remark, and I assure you I am of no mindset that would include such an assumption. The truth is I want our country to treat it citizens like any other country would; with the implication that operating within it's confides requires you to understand, be able to preform, within the reasonable boundaries of its society. I appreciate the mixed population we possess, and I have dozens of friends who have migrated here from various countries to find the all-popular "American Dream" but all of which understand that speaking English isn't an option; but instead, a necessity.

"Broken English", or slight corrections in word choice (as I understand it, the most difficult part of learning) are attempts. Attempts that say to us that the effort is present. And effort is what we should all be making; an effort to understand, and an equal effort to present yourself in the way in which is understood by the many; not by the few.

I know you're saying right now "but Oceanna..you're talking about CONFORMITY!" and I say no sir, I am not. I am talking about accepting your environment and not forcing the environment to accept you. I'm not asking that our ESL citizens blend in, I'm asking that they provide a consideration. A consideration that we are not asked as kindly to make outside the country.

Overall, we are a country that allows it's citizens to decide the fate and future of itself. We are the people that set the standard, that ask it's people to pay taxes, to provide decency in families so that children are not molested or abused. And it's no argument that we fail in both those areas more times than we can admit. But we still try. We still persevere to obtain success in those, as well as many other demands we have set for ourselves. It is a true blessing that we allow such multi-cultural exchanges to exist..but they should be voluntary. Not mandatory.